Archive for the ‘You’ Category

Searching for Rock Bottom

December 27, 2012

For Nora  

So I’m sitting here having a discussion with myself, like I usually do about this time every night, and I got to wondering about something. Rock bottom. Where the feck is it?    I couldn’t come up with a definitive answer for myself, which was kinda unusual for me. My choice of roads to take through life has put me in a rather advantageous position for knowing the answers to questions like this, right off the top of my head on a typical day. So I decided to research this shit a bit. I went to the old, tired, but relevant base of memes I have first:rock bottom

   But they were invalid- I knew it; that ain’t rock bottom, or even close. Even that guy pictured would not say that was rock bottom. It’s a relative thing, mostly. Much of society would agree on this being rock bottom:florence prison

florence prison2

lethal injection

 

 

   And most days, I would agree. But are there lower bottoms to be found? I had once been able to talk to some guys who were on their way to that very destination, at Florence AZ years back. I was an outside trustee, my job at that time was raking the perimeter outside the fences. They would be brought out in white paper clothes and spend a few hours picking vegetables which were served in the convict chow hall. Anyway, there were at least 3 of the 9 or so guys that were actively fighting to get their appeals shot down, and fast tracked to the needle room. For them, rock bottom was no longer death, but life.

  I was no closer to a definitive location for rock bottom… Just more potential locations for it.fakebook troll

marriage

Because not only does this place change, from person to person, it also changes for the same person, from time to time. When you’re young and narrow minded, it’s easier to come up with difficult answers.op sucks

For this one, it’s usually some fate, some set of circumstances that are unfamiliar to you, and that scare the shit outta you. Death row, maybe.    But as you get older, things start to dawn on you… On death row, you have the luxury of at least knowing there’s nothing you can do.. You can relax and accept your fate, if your mind will allow it, because what the hell else can you do?Hu8x7

 Now a person who does not have prison walls around them is in a different game entirely… A lot of possible courses of action to avoid rock bottom, wherever that might be.doing drugs

  

ecstasyAnd then one day, when your rock bottom has undergone many shifts of location.. longitude, latitude… altitude- I think it’s possible to start to narrow rock bottom down a little, finally.

 It’s got nothing to do with location, or where you are at in age, per se. It is more a function of your horizons… closing in on you. Knowing… just knowing via experience and wisdom, that whatever action, or possible path you could divert your journey to, it has no real effect on those horizons. Once unlimited, and now closing the distance faster with every year, every month. JTs Journey

   I think Dante Alighieri had it right. When the last of your life’s supply of hope has run out… take a look around you. Because regardless of how much of every other possible commodity you might possess,    when the hope is used up- welcome to rock bottom.

fakebook rock bottom

 Here it is.

Diminishment

February 4, 2012

   Once upon a time, I knew someone…..

 I was very close to this person; “in cahoots” …. partners in crime…… someone I will always remember. Perhaps the one person in the world that I had ever known who I was truly able to …. simply BE with. All walls removed; unguarded. Instinctively in tune with.    ‘Friend’ seems such a pale shade of color for the relationship I had with this person.

    We had personal demons…. both of us. There was misunderstanding…. and pain.

Bad days came to stay.

This person overcame one of their demons…. And when the bad days went away… I could not help but see that this person… Once so important that words fail…..
Had become a pale imitation of what I had known, and loved about her.
 Here’s to conquering demons…… and the price that is paid.
   I will never have another friend like that again…. because she no longer exists.
And now my existence is a pale imitation of what I had known, and loved about it.